What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
