im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
