Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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