I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There's always time for handjobs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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