I just pynch a tree in the face
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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