Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
