I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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