my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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