ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
