Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
high people should be assigned attendants
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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