Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
