i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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