I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize