You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
