masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
