this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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