my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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