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Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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