There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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