My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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