you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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