I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
