I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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