I wish my penis had an off switch
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
