Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
