Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone shattered a urinal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
