The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
