if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize