If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
