she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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