On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
