Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize