i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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