end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
