Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
