dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You were trust falling into bushes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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