I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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