Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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