There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
