I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
