Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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