I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
