Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
