A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
