I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
