I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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