I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
