Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
