Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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