She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
