the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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