Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
