Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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