I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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