my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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