and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
