she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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