the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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