I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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