Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
