dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
