people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I need to stop coming to work sober
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
